Archive for May, 2009

A Word From Our Sponsor

Posted in Uncategorized on May 25, 2009 by rantbastard

Please take a moment of your valuable time to view this wonderful video about screwing over everybody you can to make a quick buck!

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When Pigs Fly

Posted in Uncategorized on May 6, 2009 by rantbastard

In a recent article by the Associated Press concerning the Swine Flu virus, the author writes that the Swine Flu virus is “a powerhouse of evolution”. He states that the a flu virus can mutate at an astonishing speed andĀ brings up a very intriguing question: “What mutations are next?”.

With this question in mind, I thought it would be important to explore the genetic makeup of the current forms of the virus which is a hybrid combination of flu viruses originating from birds, pigs and humans.

Due to the Swine Flu virus mutations, we now know that pigs haveĀ  grown wings like a bird, so the first important question to ask is, “what will this freaky swine-bird, virus infected lop of shit taste like when you toss it on the grill? Will they lean more towards pork or some type of game?

Secondly, What types of seasonings will this “swird” require?! And more importantly, which section of the meats department will we find them?!!!

Will we get bacon flavored chicken wings? Or perhaps we’ll be at Applebees and and be offered Teriyaki flavored babyback ribs. These potential new forms of culinary confusion can boggle the mind!

flying_pig

Taste like chicken?

The next form of mutated hybrid virus that has recently emerged is the pig-human form. This grotesque group has suddenly shot up in number with a major outbreak located on Wall Street.

pigface

Strain: Scumis-bagis

These swine-human flu mutants are vile, greedy, disgusting creatures and are easily identified by checking the Annual Reports of most publicly traded companies on the New York Stock Exchange and Nasdaq markets. They can generally be found under the identifying letters C-E-O and in some cases Executive Vice President.

Their activities include relentless financial scheming and the ability to create innovative methods of fucking over their employees and establishing grossly disproportionate pay structures for themselves which include insane stock option packages and ridiculously fat golden parachutes.

The next virus mutation in the bird-human form. The important question here is if the leg would be considered white meat or dark meat.

chicken-man

Put him on the barbie!

Perhaps the scariest thing about new flu virus mutations is considering the possibilities of even nastier digressions from ill-fated combinations. One of the very worst is the dreaded mixture of chimpanzee and human virus. This horrific condition results in the victims intelligence being reduced to that of a mindless, chattering chimp.

gb

Strain: Dipus-shitus